…fake identities became the real ones.

BEing YOUrself

…somehow that was everything

You never say but I know your tired. You don’t leave but I know you don’t want to stay. You keep silent but I know your thoughts want to scream.Your actions telling me your ok but I know you’re not.

Your joke around and laugh on something I know that meant to be sad. You don’t care but I know those things are bothering you. You keep holding on but I know you want to let go.

You’re afraid to show the world you can’t go on. You’re afraid if things got mess up you dont know how to fix it. You try and try even if it hurts too much. You’re afraid of things you know from the beginning will make you stumble and fall. So you choose to put a mask.

A mask that can deceived everyone. A mask that you always wear. A mask that serve as your comfort zone. Your sheild and even sometimes your strength.

.. So now your mind confusing you. You don’t know yourself anymore.You don’t know how to be you. Who is you? You don’t know what’s fake and what’s real. If those mask you always wear is just marely fake or true. You don’t know if sometimes you faking it or not. Your so lost right now. So lost that your fake identities became the real ones.

…So please don’t make yourself your own enemy.


…Words left behind

Im afraid if one day you’ll run away when this mask im wearing will fall.

“More than anything i want to save you
from myself
Rupi Kaur, Milk And Honey

“You know I’m always here for you”

He said without hesitation. I feel how serious he was with his words. The way his eyes looked at me. Like I’m the most precious thing in this world. Those hidden smiles he creates when I do an epic thing. Those carefree laugh when I throw a lame jokes. Even those stares he does when Im busy chatting with others. I can feel it and it seems so real. I know. He’s inlove with me.

“Nah. I know. But I’m really okay” I tried my best to be more convincing and act cool. Im always like that. I always act as if im too busy to notice how he feels towards me. I always Like ‘yeah. That’s cool’ and act like not happends when he try to confess his feelings. Im stupid. I know.

“Well that’s good. Take care okay? And see you later” i replied with a nod and he walked away. Away. Away from me.

“Sorry” i whispered as I watched him leaving from my sight. Sorry but im just afraid.Im afraid if someday you will see the real side of me. Not the girl who has a carefree grin and a wide smile. Not the girl who laugh at small things. Not the girl who only have positive thoughts. Not the girl you used to inlove with. Im afraid if you’ll see behind those happy facade was a girl with a empty heart and lonely thoughts. The girl who was afraid to screamed who she really was and chose to hide. A girl who was afraid to show the world how broken she was.Im afraid if one day you’ll run away when this mask im wearing will fall.

..Im sorry. Sorry for losing you.


…False Angel

Why all this time it feels like nightmare even when you’re not dreaming.

How tears screaming out in my eyes. Like cat escapes and chase all mice. Telling me how fool I am not to see. How he easily decieved me.

Isn’t it funny how the same eyes weep and see. Those promises vanish and flee. Eyes that always admire him. Are the same eyes cry because of him.

How world being so unfair. Yesterday your so special to him but today he seems don’t care. How laughter turns to tears. How happy memories turns to greatest fear.

I walk in the middle of the night. Darkness blind my sight. I try to stand and fight. But those chains seem so tight.

Im suffocated please pull me up. I wan’t this shits to stop. I want to break those words imprison me in hell.

…because this time I know he’s just my FALSE ANGEL.

…Behind those WORDS

Who is the girl behind those words?

Behind those words are things that meant to say but stock in the mid of throat.

Behind those words are the memories that meant to stay but choose to let it go.

Behind those words are thoughts that want to breakout but imprisoned inside her mind.

Behind those words are promises that meant to be proven but choose to be broken.

…Every inscribed letters she wrote comes not just in her pretty imagination but from her dreadful memories and indelible past that she don’t want to hold back anymore. Every grieving words she used haunts her every night wanting to ruin not just in her mind but whole of her system. She wants to forget the past by writing so She choose to hide everything beneath the white paper. She always remind herself that theres no better company than a pen. She risk her reality because if things got mess up its better to fix whats only hides inside. She’s living while dying. Is that even possible? Well for her …it was.When you fight to live..in everything that makes you feel like dying. When you try to stay while everyone walk away. When you try to hold on while letting go.

Its like stone inside the treasure chest. Like a princess with no castle.She even try to shade the grays into yellow ones but everytime she does.

.It only turns out to what she expected..

It becames darker.

Why it felt like different. No one cares. No one

..even yourself


She shows the world that its good to be alone — but long for one—

She shows that she lived — but craved to feel alive—

and standing up strong to have no one to lean on to. She doesn’t care on something every people does and wants — but deep inside it bothers there so much —

She wants to show that she’s okay— even if its not—. She always shut the world out— but deep inside she know that no one cares. She ignore those things, everything and end up in night needing it the most.

She lived this kind way of life. Not because she choose this but because there’s no option.She’s too fragile. She seem used to.. in this situation to the point that she can’t recognize the feeling of happiness and hurt. What is the feeling in tears and in joy. What is fake and real. It comes to the state that all these emotions seems equally.

In her perspective she nothing behind those words.she’s nothing but a girl with empty heart and lonely soul.

And thats the girl behind those words.

so please Save the one who scribbling this message.


…Never For Me

…silent thoughts mostly scream the most

Am I that selfish if I want to keep you?If I want to hold you even if you don’t want too? If I want to understand you even others don’t seem too? If I want to love you even if you don’t love me too? You always like that. You always like a morning sun to brightens up her day.Like a star that lead her way.You always lightens her mood when she’s so sad.You always understand her when she’s so mad. Thats the thing why I love you. Why all this time I want just you. Not the way you look but they way you always there to carry her books. Not because how you dress but because you save her through those times her life was so mess. …How you love her makes me love you even more. How the way you always open her door. How you wipe her tears.How you hug her amidst of fears. Maybe one day I will meet a person just like you.A man who would go through hell just to save me, like you always do.Because now I don’t want those smile vanish and flee. Even if it was… Never for me

…She Was Me

She was afraid to be weak and feel hopeless so she always show this kind of braveness. She was afraid to stumble and fall so she managed to stand up and smile.

She always had this laugh but I know those laugh don’t reach her eyes.She try to show complete cause deep inside she know the feeling of being fall to pieces.

She thinks its better to be silent even though those thoughts wants to break out her mind. She always find a way to fix their broken hearts even though she herself can’t fix some of her broken parts. She let people think that she’s ok but she knows shes not.

She’s always like that..

She cared to much to the point that she forgot to love herself. She choose others happiness despites of hers. She always show what she only wants to show and limit herself.

She’s too fake.

…Too fake that she forgot that she’s drowning too

So I want to break those armor of braveness. I want to say its ok not to be ok. I want to say that’s enough, you’ve done enough so please love yourself. I want to let you feel whats the feeling of being cared and loved. I want to let you see that they’re many people who are willing to hug you when your afraid. Who’s always there to catch when you fall.

I wan’t to show that that’s life its part of being alive.

Cause baby i have the keys and I want to unlock you …cause I know those chains are the reason why you feel suffocated and imprisoned.

I want to pull you up and let you BREATHE.

…When life gets hard only yourself can help you …And thats my story. Because She was Me